Once again, I was working on Big Writerly Project so my brain is mush. I think I might even take a week off from Lovefool because I need to figure out what the hell I’m doing with it. It feels a little stale for me. I just…I don’t know. I feel like Lovefool is kind of shouting into the abyss sometimes and it rarely shouts back. And I’m not doing it for the love, really, but what do people want? Am I boring them? Do they like quirky lists or author features or stuff about specific books? Superheroes or indie stuff? Is writing about anime all the friggin’ time okay? Sometimes it feels like I’m boring them because sometimes I feel like I just cannot come up with anything interesting and I end up pulling a column out of my hat on Monday night.
I did read a lot of Terry Pratchett today. That was pretty satisfying. I read the last of the Tiffany Aching books and am reading one about Death right now. I kind of semi sort of argued with a collaborator about Big Writerly Project and that was a little frustrating because it was getting far more complicated than it needed to be so I had to be all “Yo, chillax.” I hate being like that. I picked up some prescriptions. I thought about what I was really looking for in this move to Omaha.
What was I looking for? I suppose the answer is fairly simple – I was looking for a way out before I sank myself so far into life at home that I would never let Will leave it. No, that’s bullshit. I left before I couldn’t leave. Still not there. I left because it’s what I do with places. I leave them. I cannot envision staying in one place for the rest of my life because…I just can’t. And there we are. There’s an answer.
I had a good run with St. Louis but who knows if I would’ve come back if Geep hadn’t gotten sick? Of course, it’s almost a nonsense question because there wasn’t another option when it happened. There’s no point in looking down that road. I guess it means I leave people, too, but I can keep them, still, thanks to this modern life of ours and I made sure this was a baby step while I decide what I think about it. Close enough to pop back in, far enough to not be there.
Deciding what I think about it is a stupid thing to say because I will probably never be able to stay in one place forever and that’s probably a character flaw. But I think Will is the same way, which mitigates it a little. He lived in one area for so long and then he hit the ground running. His job, I think, suits us both to the ground because it’s an awfully big world out there and, sure, we’re seeing Omaha, of all places, but Omaha was (is) brand new for both of us. And, sure, Omaha is not necessarily turning out the way we expected it to but what’s life without a few surprises?
Because Omaha is not turning out the way we expected it to, I don’t think, and I realized that I can adapt to that or not. I choose adapting. In fact, it can probably be classified as a lifestyle choice at this point. And I wonder what an erin without motion, without a next step, would be like. I don’t think I’d know her at all.